1. Invent the UnPants. Many of you know of my quest to come up with a garment that combines the comfort of not wearing pants with the social acceptability of wearing pants. I really thought 2009 was going to be my year for this, but every time it seemed I was getting close to success, it turned out I was designing a kilt. Kilts are okay, but technically they've already been invented.
2. Achieve Superpowers. Actually, this item has been on my "To Do" list since I was eight, when I realized that I was statistically destined to a mundane existence. Aside from my ability to come up with the perfect name for any given work of art, I can't claim any superpowers, and I really don't see how that one would aid me in fighting arch-villains. In pursuit of this goal, I've suffered bites from radioactive sloths, mimes and penguins (I would have tried more creatures, but it's a lot harder to find radioactive animals than you might think). I really hoped 2009 would be the year.
3. Win the National "Air Typing" Competition. It's like Air Guitar, except with, you know, typing. I thought this would be easy, but the winners exceed 100 words per minute, and even with practice, the best I could do was 83.
4. Present a paper at the International Symposium on Ninjas, Pirates, Robots, Monkeys, Cowboys, Zombies, Knights & Penguins. Apparently the ISNPRMCZKP Committee wasn't impressed with my thoughts on "Ninjas vs. Pirates: Frankly, I'd Rather Just Talk About Ice Cream."
5. Go back in time and convince the Romans to swap the alphabetical order of letters Q and P so the rhyme in the Alphabet Song works out better. Did it. You're welcome.
So, one out of five. Let's hope I can come up with some better goals for 2010...