December 31st, 2009

hat, tophat, Evan, 2019

One Year Ago Today

There's no time like the end of December to dwell on the empty meaninglessness of Life and all the disappointments of the past 12 months. I thought that if I specified my goals, focused my attention and devoted myself, success would be guaranteed. I was wrong. For your review, here are the Five Things I Resolved To Do In 2009:

1. Invent the UnPants. Many of you know of my quest to come up with a garment that combines the comfort of not wearing pants with the social acceptability of wearing pants. I really thought 2009 was going to be my year for this, but every time it seemed I was getting close to success, it turned out I was designing a kilt. Kilts are okay, but technically they've already been invented.

2. Achieve Superpowers. Actually, this item has been on my "To Do" list since I was eight, when I realized that I was statistically destined to a mundane existence. Aside from my ability to come up with the perfect name for any given work of art, I can't claim any superpowers, and I really don't see how that one would aid me in fighting arch-villains. In pursuit of this goal, I've suffered bites from radioactive sloths, mimes and penguins (I would have tried more creatures, but it's a lot harder to find radioactive animals than you might think). I really hoped 2009 would be the year.

3. Win the National "Air Typing" Competition. It's like Air Guitar, except with, you know, typing. I thought this would be easy, but the winners exceed 100 words per minute, and even with practice, the best I could do was 83.

4. Present a paper at the International Symposium on Ninjas, Pirates, Robots, Monkeys, Cowboys, Zombies, Knights & Penguins. Apparently the ISNPRMCZKP Committee wasn't impressed with my thoughts on "Ninjas vs. Pirates: Frankly, I'd Rather Just Talk About Ice Cream."

5. Go back in time and convince the Romans to swap the alphabetical order of letters Q and P so the rhyme in the Alphabet Song works out better. Did it. You're welcome.

So, one out of five. Let's hope I can come up with some better goals for 2010...
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