January 7th, 2005

hat, tophat, Evan, 2019


I've been wondering why I've been sluggish and unmotivated all week. Part of it, I'm sure, was spending New Year's with TJ and BA, eating fondue and playing the movie trivia game until the New Year arrived and we blearily headed for bed (well, I got the couch, but it was a comfortable couch). So I was already tired when BA and I went up to Seattle to see snottygrrl. It was a good trip, got to meet phenix_tears, saw RevDen and Da Bob again, and stayed up late. When we got home Sunday evening, I was exhausted, and none too surprised to be unproductive for the next couple days.

But after that, I set about getting myself organized; for writing, for job hunting, for the new year in general. And found myself struggling for every inch of progress. It was far too easy to be distracted by LJ posts, library books, a new-to-me webcomic (The Order Of The Stick (Thanks holyhippie!)), and the eternally generous and undemanding offerings from Mr. TV. And I kept wondering "Why it is being so hard to focus?" And then today, as I was putting groceries away, the answer came to me: I'm on vacation.

Well, I'm supposed to be on vacation, anyway. That was part of the deal when I agreed to double-up on jobs in December, precluding the family holiday gathering trip and the traditional week in Arizona. I know, it's not like I worked hard all year, but I had told myself that I'd take some time after the jobs were done. I had forgotten, but my subconscious hadn't. Like a cat at dinner time, it knew what was its due, and it wasn't going to just let me blunder off onto something else without weaving around my feet, loudly expressing displeasure at my recalcitrance (okay, it's not a perfect analogy).

I do wish I had remembered this earlier, so I could have settled into a week off and really savored it, rather than spending much of the time pushing to be productive against the resistance. I trust that if I find a way to honor the agreement, I'll find it much easier to make progress on the projects. I'll still have to deal with the sense of overwhelm at how much I have to do, but that's another issue...